Hiddentale: The Secrets of the Underground
by SwanofWar
Summary: What happens in the Monster Realm stays in the Monster Realm. A collection of stories of tales that Frisk never knew. Hiddentale does not deviate from the canon events of Toby Fox's Undertale and seeks to be as true to the characters and their world as possible.
1. Funny Bone - 1

Ever since the incident with the pizza and the firecrackers, the residents of the frosty town of Snowdin had been watching the house at the end of the lane with the colored lights very closely with a mixture of concern and anticipation. Though the quiet, snowy town had long boasted of its large dog community and delicious cinnamon bunnies, nothing had ever stuck out quite as much as the brothers who had recently moved in. It wasn't just the fact that they had unusually different personalities for siblings, that one was tall and one was slight, or that one had doused the other's face in glitter and watched calmly as his sibling started running around wildly and screaming something about having been blinded by the tooth fairy.

No, what made for the top topic of conversation was the fact that this pair were skeletons. All the older residents would gather at the local pub, Grillby's to smoke and ask each other how long it had been since they'd seen a skeleton. Repeatedly throughout the conversations, they'd agreed that it had been a very long time since any of them had seen one. Years in fact. There had been quite a few of them running about before the war, but a lot had changed since then. They'd all nod their heads in rhythm before forgetting what they'd been talking about and refilling their drinks.

There wasn't as much to talk about today, though. Neither brother had left the house, perhaps due to the heavy snow that morning. It was only after the mailman arrived – a monster who was mostly slime and jelly – carrying a package in his gooey hands that one of the brother's emerged for the briefest moment. The children gathered to watch as the squat skeleton stepped out, tucked up his hoodie against his skull, and signed for the package – his expression an unreadable grin as it always was. Nothing else happened until someone reported seeing flames through one of the windows, but by then it was too late in the evening for anyone to care.

Little did anyone know that as the stars started to appear in the sky, two very exciting things happened inside that house. However, Papyrus, the younger and taller brother, was very aware of them both. First, the Royal Guard Fan Kit he had ordered online had arrived at last, the bundle including a miniature royal guard cape, trading cards of Royal Guards of the Ages, and his very own copy of Guarding for Dummies Special Edition.

The second incident had occurred while he was trying on his new cape. Somehow, his tiny, older brother Sans had managed to set the living room chair on fire. Luckily, neither of them liked that chair much anyways and decided it wasn't worth the fuss of putting it out. Instead, they had sat on their green sofa in front of the blazing piece of furniture and relaxed in the warmth of the flames.

As the cheap leather crackled, Papyrus started leafing through his new handbook. "Sans, listen to this!" he declared with enlightenment and then read aloud, "When confronted with humans attempting to invade your fortress, first confound and stall them with deadly and ingenious puzzles!" He held up a bony finger. "Why, humans must be incredibly dumb! First thing in the morning, I must consult all the library's puzzle books! I think I'll start with word search." He looked at his brother. "Sans? Sans? Are you even listening to me?"

Sans shook out the marshmallow he'd stuck on the end of a bone and roasted over the fire, opening his mouth wide and sticking the whole thing in. "Sure thing, bro," he assured before stabbing another marshmallow, "Though, you might want to start with a preschool jigsaw puzzle instead."

"Sans!" said Papyrus aghast, "Why would you say such a thing?! Are you implying that I, the Great Papyrus, am stupid?!"

"Nah, it's not that. It's just you're a skeleton."

"What does that have to do with puzzles?!"

"Easy." Sans ate the second marshmallow without roasting it and then stuck the bone through his head from one earhole to the other. "Because we ain't got nothing between the ears."

"Sans, that doesn't even make sense. We don't have ears."

"Whelp," his brother replied, pulling the bone back out, "Guess I better get a pillow then."

"Why on Earth do you need a pillow?" Papyrus asked with annoyance.

Sans winked. "Because I'm _hard_ of hearing."

"Sans, I won't let you look at my royal guard trading cards anymore if you keep spoiling the evening with your bad jokes," Papyrus scolded, leafing through his book again.

"Hey, don't let me get under your skin," Sans shrugged.

"Saaaaannnsss…!" Papyrus hissed.

"Hey now," Sans protested as he stuck his marshmallow into the fire, "You gotta admit, that one was pretty good."

"You're still not helping," Papyrus grumbled. He turned another page and suddenly paused. "Now wait a minute! This book keeps telling me what I should do if I see a human, but it doesn't tell me anything about what a human looks like! How am I, the Great Papyrus, supposed to capture a human if I can't even recognize one?!" He slumped and rested his chin on his palm. "I'll never be popular at this rate."

Sans smacked the marshmallow against the floor until he put its flame out and offered it to his brother. "Here, bro. This will cheer you up."

"Mm," Papyrus hummed as he took the fire-blackened bone, "I suppose a little sugar might give me more energy to practice my guarding skills."

Sans winked as Papyrus opened his mouth. " _Bone_ -appetite."

"Sans, if you put as much effort into your guarding skills as you do into your terrible jokes, you might have a chance of catching a human yourself." He chattered loudly as he chewed the marshmallow. "Come to think of it, actually…" He picked up his book again and brightened. "Sans! I just realized that you were around during the war against the humans, weren't you? You've seen one, haven't you?!"

Sans formed another bone in the air and grasped it. "I saw a few."

"Excellent! Then you can describe them to me in detail! Tell me, what do they look like? What are their favorite hobbies? Do they like spaghetti? Tell me everything!"

Sans stared at his brother for a moment and then looked down, suddenly and strangely very quiet.

 **(**Scene Break**)**

It had been a beautiful day, the last time he'd seen one.

A boy in the final stride of his childhood lay on a hillside just outside a soldier encampment. His tunic and rough leather armor had been removed to bask in the sunlight, his pale chest flattened with the loss of his baby belly and marbled with the bare beginnings of squishy muscles. High above him, the sky was ideal as a painting. The sun shone brightly against the patch of wild flowers that the boy lay in and fluffy white clouds passed idly by. It was hard to image that a day like this could be just another day in the war against the monsters.

"RAWR!" screamed the terrible face of an evil dog, just inches above his.

"Aaaaah!" screamed the boy, flailing back, "Don't eat me!"

"Ahahahahaha!" laughed the man, pulling off the mask, "Got you good, kid."

"Abelard, that wasn't funny!" the boy complained, red in the face, "Where did you get that horrible thing anyways?!"

Abelard's crooked white teeth shone through his beard as he grinned proudly, the mask now hanging against his chest. "I picked it up in the village we passed through a few days ago. Said it was supposed to trick stupid monsters into thinking you were one of them." He flopped a musty leather glove on the boy's head and tussled his messy brown hair. "Looks like it tricks stupid boys as well."

"I'm not stupid," the boy grumbled sourly, folding his arms.

Abelard chuckled and tossed his hair again before straightening up. "Come on, Hans. We're packing up the camp and heading into the woods today. And you know what that means."

Hans looked up, pursing his lips to hide his nervousness. "Monsters."

"Yep. Get dressed."

As they trekked up the hill back to the encampment, Hans plucked at the petals of one of the flowers from the hillside, his head lowered and chin tucked. Abelard glanced back at him and gave a low hum. "Buck up, kid. It won't be half as bad as you think."

"My father went to fight the monsters in the forest and didn't come back," Hans murmured.

"Ya. And was your father a flag bearer?"

"No."

"See? Nothing to worry about." He stopped to look back at the boy, leaning on his knee. "You just keep that flag held high so the rest of us can keep our spirits up while we drive the villains back." He slapped Hans' back and started forward again with a laugh. "And when it's done, we all can go celebrate! The war won't last much longer and I know a tavern in these parts that serves mead that will fill your belly full of fire! Maybe we'll even find you a nice fraulein for you to get acquainted with."

Hans made a face at that last remark. "Is it true what they say?" he asked, changing the subject, "That the monsters will soon be gone forever?"

"Ya. Seven great wizards are working their magic as we speak to create a spell to seal those blighters away for good. All we have to do is make sure they're within the circle when it happens. Course, that's not _our_ job. Not today."

Hans looked up, a twitch in his eye as he blinked. "What is our job?"

Abelard flashed him a bright smile. "Hurry up those wee legs and you'll find out."

By the time they arrived, some of the soldiers had already started packing up the tents. Hans dodged a man pulling a hand cart and rejoined Abelard's side, following at his heels.

Abelard glanced back at him and snickered. "You really are hopeless, you know that? Share a biscuit with a boy and suddenly he's as loyal as a hunting dog."

Hans said nothing, just glanced at the soldier dutifully and skipping once to keep up with his stride. Suddenly, a vice-like grip seized his wrist. Hans cried out with fright, grabbing at Abelard's belt for safety. A young man wearing a hood held him fast, the soldier's other hand drilling the tip of a knife into the stump he sat upon.

"My canteen's empty. Give me a drink," said the icy voice from the hood.

"What's in your head, you lazy bum?" Abelard scowled at the other soldier, "Go refill your own—" Hans whimpered and Abelard's skin turned cold as he saw the faintly red eyes and bright, emotionless grin of the other soldier. "Oh. Dirk. It's you." He pushed Hans a little and lowered his voice. "Well you heard him, boy. Give him a drink."

Hans shuddered as he pulled the cork from his canteen and held it out to Dirk at arm's length. Dirk's fingers slipped from Hans' wrist and took the canteen, taking a long drink from it. Both Abelard and Hans watched him carefully as he wiped his mouth on his sleeve and held it back out to him. "We're going to fight the monsters today," he whispered to Hans as he smiled, "Are you ready? I know I am..."

Hans swallowed and nearly dropped the canteen as he tied it back to his belt. "I won't have to fight. I-I just have to protect the flag."

"Ah..." Hans quivered as Dirk planted a glove on his shoulder and brought him in close. "Is that what you think...?"

"All right, Hans, enough socializing," Abelard nervously grunted, pulling Hans away, "You have duties to do. Now come on."

"Find me some monsters, soon," Dirk reminded, resuming the twisting of his knife.

Hans practically hugged Abelard's hip until the soldier gave him a shove to the head to remind him to be a man. "I don't like him, Abelard."

"Nobody likes him," he replied wearily.

"What's wrong with him? Is he a monster?"

"I doubt it." Abelard quickened the pace, forcing Hans to skip twice. "He's far worse than any monster I've ever met."

"He's not right," Hans insisted, "Every time he looks at me I feel like I'm goin' to die."

"Believe it or not – the way I hear it – he used to be a normal lad once. Never even had his first tumble and turned into _that_."

"What happened?"

Abelard eyeballed him for a moment. "Nobody really knows. But I think I have some idea. See, boy, this war against monsters isn't like man's wars. The monsters and men in it...we're all getting stronger somehow. Faster. Able to take a hit. Delivering mightier blows with every foe we slay. Now the way I hear it...that Dirk...he hadn't even fought his first battle when he got himself captured by the monsters. They were questioning him when somehow he got free. Picked up a knife. Slew every single freak in the camp."

A shiver ran up Hans' spine.

"And when he came back...it was like he was another person entirely."

"I don't like him," Hans insisted.

"Nobody cares what you think of him, boy," Abelard scolded and then twitched himself, "Fact is, from what I hear, ever since he escaped, nobody's been better at killing monsters than he is. Using a knife, of all things." He kicked him a little. "So you keep your mouth shut and your head down around him, all right?"

Hans nodded, all too eager to agree. Eventually, they broke apart to gather their gear, all the soldiers working quickly or lazily to pack up the tents and gather at the head of the camp. There, Hans found Abelard and glued himself back to his side. Abelard looked him over to make sure he had minded all his gear and had the flag lofted high, the boar and vivid green flapping in the wind. He did. Hans, to feel like a man, looked Abelard over as well. Of course, the soldier already had his sword at his hip and his shield and spear in hand.

Abelard chuckled and nudged his young friend. "Hey, Hans. Check out the Captain." Hans fixed his eyes on the bristly, gray-speckled man ahead of them, blinking often and massaging his temples. "Looks like ol' Raymund was drinking all night again. Poor fool. Can barely hold his drink and makes himself sorry sick every morning. Don't tell him that, though."

Swallowing and steadying himself, Captain Raymund finally got off the rock he'd been sitting on, surveying his troops and taking a moment to take in the colorful flag that Hans held in the wind. He shifted with a tight and frightfully angry expression as Dirk, his hood still up and his knife at last sheathed, walked right up to him and sniffed.

"Can I help you?" Raymund asked through his teeth.

"You smell like swine," Dirk stated.

No one said anything, the entire regime silent as Dirk stood there for a moment and then walked back to the soldiers, standing off to the side of the rows. Raymund's eyes were so wide it was a wonder he didn't piss himself with rage.

He still couldn't stop clenching his teeth, even as he spoke after that. "As you all know, we will be pushing into enemy lines today. What you don't know is the nature of our mission." He looked resentfully at Dirk and finally vented the last of his anger before falling into his usual stable but relaxed pose. "Something in his area has been killing all our scouts. Now, as you know, keeping eyes in the woods is very important to the King's plan to eliminate the monster threat. So, today we will delve into the forest, flush out this threat..." He looked at Dirk again, this time with a concealed sigh. "And put an end to it."

He took up his spear and shield. "Now, I recently received word that most of the dead were impaled with human bone. Which means we should expect to see Walking Skeletons. I trust most of you have run into this kind of monster before."

"And killed one," Abelard whispered to Hans with a wink.

"If you haven't...where the blazes have you been the whole war?" His men murmured a laugh. "But just in case you're new to this, skeletons only have one kind of attack. They throw bones at you. Don't let any one of them hit you and a good spear thrust should finish them off."

Hans looked down at the dagger at his belt and wetted his lower lip. Abelard sighed and nudged him again. "Beloved Heaven, just stick close to me, ya? You'll be fine."

"I'm not scared," Hans assured.

"Lying's a sin, you know." Hans looked up pitifully and Abelard laughed and winked. "C'mon. Time for us to get moving and for you to do that flag proud."

Hans had been on several long marches since his lord had recruited him for the war. But this one felt much longer. The shadows of the woods loomed overhead, the flag he lofted high making rustling sounds as the occasional long branches caught it. Every time he had to cover his mouth to keep from crying out and embarrassing himself. The other soldiers looked nervous as well. This was enemy territory.

For as long as man could remember, the dark woods had belonged to the monsters. Countless stories had been passed down through the generations of men, women, and children wandering under the cover of these trees, never to return. Until the war against the monsters, a regime of soldiers such as this would have walked miles around rather than pass through these woods. But now they walked straight into the mouth of the monster realm, in the hopes of never being afraid again.

Hans shook like a leaf as he marched. But every once in a while, a beautiful ray of sunlight would break through the trees and shine on a patch of flowers. And every so often, the birds would flitter by and sing a gorgeous song. When these things occurred, Hans would smile and his shaking would stop. He'd look at Abelard and the man would glance back with a little wink. For a while after that, Hans would breathe easily again.

They had been traveling for some time when a strange silence fell over the woods. Captain Raymund held up a fist, stopping the column. Hans' heart started racing again as all the soldiers stiffly shifted their eyes around.

"Shields up!" Raymund shouted.

A wall of shields shot upward as a shower of bones fell from the trees, Hans crying out as he hugged the flagpole. The shower ended as the bones either impaled in the shields or bounced harmlessly off them. As the barrage ended, the air filled with rattling and clattering. The whites of Hans' eyes showed as Walking Skeletons dropped down from the trees and landed intermingled with the soldiers.

They weren't what Hans had expected. Instead of the naked, dirty skeletons he'd seen in graves, these skeletons were pure white. Their statures varied in shape and size and each was dressed in some kind of human garb. Some had black eye sockets while others had glowing white lights in them. Hans was only starting to take this in when a giant skeleton, wider and taller than the rest landed only paces away.

Hans covered his mouth as he stared into those giant, black sockets. "Is that the monster we're after?" he squeaked.

Abelard chuckled excitedly. "That's _gotta_ be him."

The giant skeleton raised his hand high into the air. As he did, every single soldier's chest lit up with a different colored heart.

Hans stared wide-eyed as a red heart stretched from his breast to his navel. "What's this?!"

"Keep your socks on!" Abelard barked at him, a purple heart glowing on his chest, "It's just your soul!"

"My soul?!" his voice cracked.

"We've been over this—monsters attack your soul—now get ready!"

The giant skeleton's teeth clenched and his eye sockets narrowed. "For King Dreemur!"

"For King Dreemur!" the other skeletons echoed.

Light flashed as bones filled the air. Mixed shamelessly with the ranks of soldiers, each skeleton picked a target and went hay. Faced with real monsters for the first time in his life, Hans could only stand frozen with wide eyes as he watched the battle ensue. Every skeleton in sight had a unique way of attacking. He spotted one that liked to wiggle around before each of his attacks. Another threw his bones straight into the air before raining them down on his foe. For a little while, it was almost like a town festival.

But then, one of the skeletons' attacks finally hit its mark. Blood came to the soldier's mouth as the glowing mark on his chest that was his soul cracked. The cracks spread from where the two bones struck and his soul shattered. Hans lost all feeling as he watched the soldier fall to the ground and blood stain his armor. The skeleton sighed with relief and gripped another bone out of the air. But just as he did, a spear embedded in his back. The skeleton's jaw dropped, looking down with horror as his body turned to dust and fell into a pile with his clothing.

"They…" Hans whispered, unable to hear himself over the clashing of arms and blood throbbing in his ears, "Don't want to die…?"

Suddenly, as if this event had been the first domino, men and monsters began to die throughout the ranks. There was a skeleton who liked to juggle his bones before each throw. Abelard knocked him down with the side of his spear and pinned him to the forest floor, turning him to dust. There was a soldier with a tint of red to his beard who liked to gamble back at the camp. Five bones pierced him at once and he fell. The mulched leaves of the forest floor became mixed with dust and blood as the air rang with battle cries. Hans was so mesmerized by all the death, he didn't notice the giant skeleton moving through the battlefield straight towards him.

Abelard's eyes widened, bashing back a skeleton with his shield. "Hans! Hans! Idiot boy, look out!"

The shadow of the giant skeleton passed over Hans. He gasped with terror and suddenly remembered he was a soldier, drawing his dagger and trembling as he pointed it at the giant. "I…will protect the flag…" he whispered.

Abelard roared, battering at the skeletons as he struggled to close the distance between him and his little friend. "Hans! Don't just stand there, boy—run!"

Hans couldn't even feel his fingers anymore as he gripped the flagpole. The giant skeleton gazed at him with his empty sockets and formed an enormous bone in his hand. Hans raised the dagger higher. "I…will protect the flag!" he declared.

The skeleton swung down and something blocked Hans' vision. A clang nearly deafened the boy as the bone bounced off Captain Raymund's shield. The captain lowered his shield and bared his teeth, shouting and barking at the giant like an angry dog. Hans watched with amazement as, for a moment, white lights like pupils appeared in the formerly empty sockets of the giant and his white cheekbones turned a little pink – as if Raymund's antics made him feel cheerful somehow.

But that all faded as Raymund lashed his spear at him and the giant swung back. Hans watched, still holding his dagger, as Captain Raymund and the giant skeleton started to battle. Raymund expertly dodged the skeleton's every strike, moving past his defenses to jab him with his spear. However, no matter how many times he struck the giant, the behemoth didn't seem phased.

Suddenly, Hans felt someone grab his arm. "Idiot!" cried Abelard as he hauled him back, "I told you to stay close to me, ya?! Keep with the ranks if you don't want to die!"

Hans continued to stare at Captain Raymund as he battled the giant, even as Abelard hauled him away. Raymund landed his spear in the skeleton's chest and still his foe didn't falter. The giant skeleton summoned a second bone to his hands and pounded the forest floor into craters as Raymund dodged every strike. The giant was attempting to stomp on the captain when Hans noticed two red lights amidst the maze of branches and leaves overhead.

The giant froze as a figure landed with a foot on either of his shoulders. The hood fell back on the figure and Dirk laughed with an enormous, twisted grin as he spun his knife and held it in both hands high above his head. The skeleton gained white pupils to his eyes again – rattling with fear.

"No…" sounded the giant's deep voice, "Please…don't…"

Dirk drove the knife into the center of the giant's skull and rode the mess down as the skeleton faded into dust. All at once, the other skeletons ceased their battles and stared at Dirk, their jaws hanging and their sockets wide with terror.

"LOVE! LOVE! LOVE!" they screamed, backing away.

"Love?" Abelard scowled.

"Kekeke…" Dirk grinned, flipping his knife and holding it sideways in one hand. "That's right, monsters! Time for you to give me more _power_!"

He dashed forward in a single step, cutting down three skeletons in one swipe. The monsters gripped their chests in shock before dropping into piles. Dirk turned and cut down another. The other soldiers could only stare as what had once been a battle turned into a massacre. The skeletons forgot every single other human and all turned on Dirk, wildly lobbing bones at him. Dirk grinned as he dodged his way through the bones, not even phased as one impaled him in the chest – causing only a tiny crack in his yellow heart and a small drip of blood on his lip.

One stroke of his knife was all it took for a skeleton to turn to dust. He moved from foe to foe like a starving man chasing platters at a banquet. Every time the dust landed on his boots the red hue of his eyes intensified. He knocked one over and crushed its ribcage beneath his boot. He separated a skull from the spine and chucked it at another monster before its fellow had finished dissolving. By the time the last one cried out for mercy and attempted to flee, Abelard shielded Hans' eyes. The boy still heard it fall apart.

In the end, the air was thick with a white cloud. The dust fell like an early snow and Dirk basked in it, laughing. He laughed and cackled himself silly, his face turned skyward and his arms held out as if waiting for an embrace. The louder he got the more his face contorted until it was difficult to say if he was even human at all.

Hans stared down at the piles of dust. "You murdered them," he stated. Dirk stopped laughing and gazed at Hans emptily. "They were scared!"

"They were why I'm here," Dirk replied, taking another step closer, "To make me stronger."

Hans shook his head. "They were just like the soldiers. But you…you're wrong!"

Dirk's grin curled up impossibly high on his cheeks. "You're not as stupid as you look." Suddenly, he was right over Hans. He put his hands on his knees and leaned into the boy's face. "Why do you think the king and the people _really_ fear the monsters? They're not so scary, really. No…they're afraid of people like _me_." His red eyes flashed. "All those 'monster slayers'…all the 'heroes' in our history. They were like _me_. And once you get a taste…" His voice turned to a snarl. "You _love_ it! You _LOVE_ it! You're _full_ of the _love_ for it!"

He stopped as suddenly Abelard's sword was pointed at his face. Dirk slowly stood up and Abelard's sword tip followed him, the soldier's eyes intensely on him. "You'll want to leave the boy alone now."

"Kekeke…" Dirk snickered, "Ohh…don't worry. You're all safe. You won't make me stronger."

"Enough," Captain Raymund gruffly ordered, "Or have none of you fools noticed yet that your souls haven't faded back inside your bodies?" All the attention immediately shifted away from Dirk to the glowing hearts plastered across their chests.

"Monsters…" Dirk purred, stroking his yellow heart and turning his back on Hans, "There's more of them nearby!"

Just then, they all heard a rattling sound somewhere in the trees. Raymund signaled the sections. "You, men, you're with me. We'll flush them out. The rest of you stay here and keep watch."

"That means you, boy," Abelard said, slapping Hans' shoulder and heading for Raymund.

"But you said to stay with you!" Hans protested.

"That was for the battle and it's over," Abelard scowled. He glanced over at Dirk warily. "You'll be better off here."

Hans silently nodded, watching most of the soldiers depart to seek out whatever was hiding in the trees. After a few minutes, the tension of the battle died down and the soldiers that remained behind with Hans and the flag began to mill about, searching for wounded among the dead and scavenging the dust piles for loot. Some even started chatting cheerfully – joking and exchanging findings. Hans sat on a fallen tree, hugging the flag pole and feeling sorry for all who had fallen – human and monster alike. He wondered if Dirk was right – if this whole war was really about the power monsters and humans got from killing each other. And how it changed them.

The sun broke through the leaves again and the glittering light it cast on the dusty air filled him with determination. He resolved in that moment that for the rest of this war he would do whatever it took to stop people like Dirk. He was sure Abelard wouldn't approve – that his friend would tell him just to keep his head down and that certain things were necessary in war. But there had to be certain things – even in war – that a person couldn't accept.

As the soldiers grew even more relaxed, Hans got out his field ration – a hard biscuit that would have tasted a lot better with a bit of oil – and started nibbling at it. That's when he heard a man call out to him.

"Hey kid."

"Huh?" Hans looked around attentively for the soldier who had spoken to him, but none of the nearby ones seemed to be thinking of him at all.

"Kid. Come here for a moment."

Hans realized that the soldier speaking to him was some ways behind him. Not wanting to make the man wait, Hans put the biscuit back in his satchel, took up the flag, and followed the voice. The sun disappeared again and Hans squinted through the trees, looking for the soldier who had called him.

"Human." Hans froze, the voice directly behind him now. "Don't you know how to greet a new pal?" Hans turned around to face a very tiny figure – a wee little man even shorter than him. Except…this man had glowing white pupils. The little man extended an arm. "Go on. Shake my hand."

Hans stared at the little man. "…You're a monster," he stated, surprised to find himself unafraid. The figure blinked once, waiting. Shivering anxiously, Hans reached out and grasped something cold and hard. "A skeleton? I…nice to meet you. My name is—" Hans throat clogged up with blood as the thing in his hand pushed against his chest and then out his back.

"Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!" laughed the tiny skeleton as Hans fell to his knees, a large bone impaling him through, "Well, would you look at that? You and your new pal are _inseparable_ already. You might even call the two of you _bosom_ buddies." Hans stared at the grinning face of the skeleton as he collapsed to the ground, the red heart that was his soul cracking and shattering. "Best friends for _life_."

Abelard stayed close to Captain Raymund as they followed the rattling sound in the woods. Dirk moved ahead of the rest of them, his knife hungry for another monster kill. At this point, most of the soldiers were far more apprehensive of the monster slayer than they were their foes. So they gave him a wide birth. The rattling noise continued until suddenly it was all around them. Figures dropped down from the trees and the soldiers immediately retaliated, impaling them with their spears and raising their shields.

But their cries of war soon fell into murmurs as they stared at the skeletons. Not Walking Skeletons, but actual, literal human skeletons. The dirty collections of bones had been glued together somehow and were strung up on ropes like marionettes. Captain Raymund walked up to one to inspect it and scowled angrily.

"What the _hell_ ," he pronounced.

"Huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu!"

They all turned with a start to face the tiniest Walking Skeleton any of them had ever seen. The monster was laughing merrily, his sockets squinted and his bony jaws constantly grinning. He was a funny looking fellow, dressed in a white night gown, a blue lord's robe topped with fur, and brown fur slippers.

"Ah, you should all see the look on your faces," he whimsically stated, pointing a bone finger at them like an old drinking buddy, "Priceless." Instantly, he was surrounded by a circle of spears. He shrugged. "Ah you humans. Always straight to the _point_."

Captain Raymund stood directly in front of the little skeleton, his weapon at the ready. "Who are you?" he demanded.

"Just a prankster who never hurt _no body_ ," the monster replied, spreading out his hands in another shrug, "Name's Sans. Sans the skeleton."

"I believe it," Captain Raymund stated, looking almost amused as he inspected the skeleton, "You're without a doubt the weakest monster I've ever seen."

"I guess you could say I'm nothing but skin and _bones_." Some of the soldiers chuckled and Sans grinned with delight. "Ah. Not a bad crowd you got here."

Captain Raymund smirked and signaled the soldiers to raise their spears. But just as they did, the flash of a knife leapt forth. Before any of them could cry out, Sans instantly and neatly dodged the blow.

No one had ever seen Dirk look so livid. "How dare you?!" he snarled. He swung several more times, the skeleton no longer in the path each strike.

"Dirk!" Captain Raymund finally cut in, "Stop at once! We don't attack prisoners!"

"Monsters…" Dirk seethed, "Are mine to kill!"

"Well it doesn't look like you're doing a very good job anyhow," Raymund raised a brow.

Dirk put up his hood as the other soldiers dared to chuckle at him. He pointed his knife at Sans and the skeleton winked. "Sorry, human. I do have a talent for getting people _rattled_." His glowing white points rolled lazily back to Raymund. "Anyhow, I've been watching you and your men for a while now. I like humans. Always good for a laugh."

"Is that what you think luring us away from our men is?" Abelard stated, not sharing the humored expression of the other soldiers, "A joke?"

Sans winked and leaned coyly toward the other soldiers. "Looks like someone's _funny bone's_ broken." His audience laughed. "But I did want to talk to you, humans. See, I overheard you're looking for some big bad monster around here."

"That's right," Captain Raymund confirmed, "You know of it?"

"I sure do. And I can tell you now, it wasn't Grande who you killed back there. I'd get pretty bored if humans stopped coming through here. So I thought I'd lend you a _hand_. You know. Give you a _leg_ up."

"In exchange for your freedom?" Raymund asked.

"Sure," Sans shrugged, "Why not? Sounds like a fair deal to me."

"Captain, wait," Abelard spoke up again, "I see no reason to trust this monster."

"Stand down, soldier," Raymund replied, "Or are you that afraid of a comedian skeleton?" Some of the other soldiers chuckled and Abelard sourly frowned.

"Couldn't have said it better," said Sans, relaxing with his sockets pinched close. He looked at Raymund and offered his hand. The captain was about to shake it when he noticed something red on the skeleton's hand. Sans rolled his eyes up with embarrassment and got out a green and gold kerchief. "Whoops. Sorry about that. Had a bit of tomato for lunch."

The others started with shock as Abelard, without warning, seized Sans wrist. He stole the cloth from his grip and opened it up, his face like heated stone. "Where…did you get this?" he asked through his teeth, holding up the crumbled flag. Several of the other soldiers grew tense.

"That?" Sans replied, unmoved by Abelard's hostility, "I found it on the ground."

" _Where_ did you _get_ this?!" Abelard shouted, yanking the tiny skeleton into the air by the wrist, "What did you do to Hans?!"

Captain Raymund shoved Abelard and forced him to drop Sans. "Back in line, soldier!" he barked. Abelard shivered with rage, but stepped back.

Sans sighed, standing up and relaxing again like nothing had happened. "Okay," he stated, "I guess it's time to spill my _guts_. The monster you're after is _real_ close by. In fact, he already killed some of your men."

"What?" Raymund asked, eyes wide.

"Sorry, pal. Saw it happen with my own eyes."

Raymund nodded and signaled his men. "Then we need to move. You're coming with us."

"Fair enough. But first, human, I want you to know how much I appreciate this. Do you know what kind of human it takes to trust a monster like me?" Raymund took another step and dozens of bones pierced his skull from all sides. Sans sockets turned black. "A _bone head_." The green heart on Raymund's chest cracked and shattered, the captain falling, dead as can be, to the ground.

Some scattered and some froze in horror as one of Sans' empty sockets lit up with a wicked, glowing blue eye. The skeleton raised his hand and more bones filled the air and shot up through the ground than any of them had ever laid eyes upon, even from an army of skeletons. The ones who stood still soon died as dozens of bones impaled them. The rest were left madly running about as they evaded and shielded themselves from innumerable attacks.

Two soldiers ran smack dab into each other before a bone pierced them both through the pelvis. "Classic," Sans chuckled as he watched, his normal eyes returning for a moment, "I always heard war brings soldiers close together, but you two are _joined at the hip_." The pair were impaled several more times before they fell together in an undignified embrace. "Brothers _in arms_." Another soldier fell as bones went through his sides. "What a _rib-tickler_!" A fleeing soldier got pierced through the chin. "Got a case of _lockjaw!_ "

Sans readied another round of jokes, but lost track of them as he dodged a swiping knife. "Finally!" Dirk grinned, "I could smell it on you! I am going to get _so_ strong from killing you!"

"Is that so?" Sans lazily replied, sidestepping another strike, "Well I hope you're ready to _white knuckle_ it or you're kinda _boned_."

"Quickly!" Abelard urged and shoved the remaining soldiers, "Retreat! While the maniacs are keeping each other busy!" He ran through the woods with them back to where they had left the soldiers on watch. But when they arrived, they found every single one of them dead on the ground, impaled by a sea of bones. The veteran soldier felt tears well in his eyes and angrily rubbed them away. "Damn it, kid."

"Stop! Dodging me!" Dirk screamed as he sliced at Sans.

"Huh. You have a funny idea of how a battle works."

"Just give up!" He wildly slashed at his head. "You can't beat me! One stroke of my knife and it's lights out for you!" He choked as three bones hit him, his soul cracking. "Come on," he chuckled, "I can take it."

"You know, you may be right." He threw up a wall of bones and Dirk leapt over it. Sans shifted to the side out of the way of his blade. "I could fill you with enough bones to build you a second skeleton." His blue eye returned. "Guess I'll just have to blow you away instead."

"Blow me away?" Dirk sneered, "What does that even mean?"

"Well," Sans smile grew, "Let's just say a friend of mine gave me a cool birthday present. And…well." He snapped his fingers and Dirk stumbled back as two gigantic skeletal dragon heads loomed over him. "You know what they say about boys and their toys." The dragon heads opened their jaws and bathed Dirk in a terrible light.

Abelard and the others could hear the screaming as a bright flash cut through the trees. Abelard clutched his spear. "God help us."

"Come to think of it…" Abelard spun around and leapt back as suddenly the tiny skeleton was behind him. Sans brushed the soot from Dirk's ashes off his nightgown. "Maybe that was a little overkill."

Abelard felt the last of the soldiers looking to him for guidance. He swallowed and readied his spear and shield. "So, that's it, then? _This_ is your game? You pretend to be a harmless, friendly little thing and then slaughter everyone?"

"Well," Sans shifted his eyes, "It's not really pretending when you think about it. My attacks barely hurt you at all. And I wasn't lying about liking humans." His sockets turned black. "Watching you die never gets old."

Abelard gritted his teeth. "Come on, men!" he encouraged, "It's time we end this poor excuse for a jester!"

Sans winked. "I prefer to be called…" Abelard's shield and spear both broke as he stopped the rain of bones that killed the last of his comrades around him. " _Humerus_."

Abelard felt at the bone that entered his left side and drew his sword, spitting some blood from his mouth. "I'll call ya what ya are. A _true_ monster."

Digging his boot into the dirt, Abelard came at Sans with everything he had. He screamed, all the blood rushing through him as he leapt, slid, and twisted his way through more bones than he could count. Thrice he reached his foe and swung his blade down at him, but only cut the underbrush. Over time, more and more bones collected in him. Till at last, a wall sprung up from the ground and pierced him from abdomen to back.

Abelard felt the blood rush up his throat and his stomach grow cold. The sword fell from his hand and he collapsed to one knee. His vision grew blurry and he smiled. "Well…guess the battle's finally over…" His mind grew dark. "I think…I'll head to that tavern now. Hans… come on…let me buy you a drink…" The purple heart on his chest shattered.

Sans watched him slump, still held upright by the bone. "Whelp," the skeleton surmised, "I'll give him credit. He had a lot of _spine_." He turned, walking idly away. "I like that tavern idea. I think there's one deeper in the forest. Maybe I'll go there for a while."

The sun broke through the trees again. Sans ducked as a blade nearly took off his head, leaping forward and sliding in his slippers as he spun around. The bone still through his chest and Abelard's sword in his hands, Hans stood breathing heavily, the broken pieces of his soul shaking with the urge to come apart.

 **AUTHOR NOTE**

To my DBZ readers,

Sorry there's been such a delay on the next chapter of AGM. I've been very busy writing my senior thesis so I can get my college diploma mailed to me. Also, this short story has been tickling my _skull_ for ages since I played Undertale. The idea of it was interfering with the writing of AGM so I decided to just get it out there so I can refocus.

Part 2 of this story will be coming out soon. I hope you all enjoy it. Look forward to dreaming with you again soon.


	2. Funny Bone - 2

"Kid?" Sans asked, genuinely confused. His bright blue eye glowed into existence as he grinned. "Hey. You look a bit _broken up_ about something."

Hans shook his head. "It's war. I knew monsters might kill my friends."

"How _put together_ of you."

"You're not actually friendly at all…are you?"

"I wouldn't say that. I'm actually one of the friendliest guys around." He pulled down the collar of his nightgown, exposing his ribs, and winked. "I'm just _heartless_."

Hans' grip on the sword tightened. "Can I ask you something?"

Sans formed a bone and balanced it idly on his finger. "Sure, why not?"

The boy's eyes showed through his messy bangs. "How many humans have you killed?"

Sans paused and his grin slowly grew. "Now kid…that's a very interesting question."

"That eye of yours," Hans continued, steadily holding the sword, "It's evil, isn't it? Like Dirk's. Only he had two."

"Yeah, you could say that," the skeleton shrugged, "It's my LOVE Only unlike stabby back there, mine only comes out when I want it to."

"You don't seem very loving to me."

Sans laughed. "Kid, you have no idea." He flip the bone sideways and spun it on his fingertip. "Tell me, do you know what an acronym is?"

Hans shook his head.

"Huhuhuh. You humans are the _real_ bone heads. Most of you don't even know how to read." He flipped the bone and caught it, stuffing his other hand into his robe pocket. "Alright. Well, since I've never seen someone glue their soul back together, I'll tell you. A smart monster figured out a way to measure the power gained by monsters and humans killing each other. This measurement is called LOVE or Level Of ViolencE."

"So you've killed a lot then?" Hans pressed, "A lot of humans?"

"Hold your horses, kid, I'm getting there. There's another thing in this picture called STAT or Skills To Add To. This makes up three main things about a man or monster: H.P. or Health Protection, AT or ATtack, and DF or DeFense." Sans' eyes shifted merrily. "Now, thanks to a friend of mine – the very smart monster I mentioned – I happen to know something even most monsters don't. First, that anyone with LOVE can choose what to do with all that power. Most, like that red-eyed human back there, just let it spread out inside them. Second, that there's a whole set of hidden STAT too. Like, there's INT for INTelligence or STR for STRength. There's even WIS for WISdom." He held up a finger. "But, my personal favorite is M.P. or Magic Power."

Sans shifted lazily. "So, to answer your question, kiddo, let me list my STAT for you. H.P: One. AT: One. DF: One. M.P…" Sans' blue eye flashed to life and he flicked the bone in his hand into Hans' chest faster than any arrow. As Hans stumbled to one knee and his soul shuddered, the air became a sea of bones. "A maximum power of _ninety-nine_. So you tell me, kid…just how many humans do you think I've killed?" He hit the human with a few more bones and the pieces of his soul flew apart. "Well, that was weird," he said, putting his hands in his pockets.

The pieces slammed back together.

Sans blinked. "What?"

A droplet of blood ran from Hans' lip and he shuddered, pushing off Abelard's sword and standing back up. The jumbled red heart on his chest vibrated chaotically.

"…How are you doing that, kid?" Sans asked.

"Too many."

"Huh?"

"Too many," Hans repeated. He drew a long breath and looked at the tiny skeleton. "That's how many humans you've killed." He grunted, leaning on the sword. "And what about the other skeletons that died in the battle? You did nothing to save them. Why?"

Sans closed his sockets and shrugged. "The thought never crossed my mind. Helping people isn't really my thing."

"Then why are you even here?" Hans insisted, "Are you like Dirk? Just trying to get stronger?"

Sans chuckled and looked at him again. "More interesting questions. At first, it was curiosity. Wanted to see if this whole LOVE thing was what it was cracked up to be. Then, it was an addiction. All those EXecution Points. But these days?" His sockets turned black as he smiled. "I just do it for laughs."

Hans gazed into those empty eyes for a long moment and then looked across the forest where the dead lay – monsters in white piles and humans impaled with white bone. At last, his vision fell on the sword in his hands, the hilt still fresh with his friend's blood. The boy shut his eyes and laughed gently.

"You know," he said quietly and with a small smile, "Ever since I woke up this morning, I can't stop thinking what a beautiful day it is outside. The sun's shining. Birds are singing. And all the flowers are in bloom. You know what? On days like these…monsters like _you_ …" Sans bent over backwards as Hans was suddenly sliding past him, his sword cutting through the air where Sans' ribcage had almost been. The human's eyes burned with something that wasn't LOVE "Should be burning in Hell!"

Hans pivoted on his right foot and spun to swing again, only to be met with a gut full of bones, pinning him to a tree. "What?" asked Sans with his empty smile, "Did you really think you could pick up a sword and suddenly become a hero?" Hans' eyes opened and his red soul smashed back together, the shards cutting through the bones. He slid off and landed on the ground. "I wonder," Sans stated as he moved backward, avoiding Hans' strikes, "What kind of STAT allows you to endure fatal blows like that?" Hans was lifted into the air as a wall of bones shot from the ground and impaled him all over his body. "Or maybe you're too dumb to die. In that case…I'll have to teach you how."

It kept on like this, an endless barrage of bones, always ending in pain. But each time the world darkened something inside him would flash with renewed determination and the broken pieces of his soul would find each other once more. Eventually, all the various wounds that covered his body seemed to meld together.

And then, as he found himself pinned to a tree for the fourth time, a realization hit him. "There's a pattern." Breaking himself free with the power of his soul, he came at Sans again, this time leaping over the wall of bones and side stepping the following barrage.

"Hey," said Sans, flicking his fingers and summoning more bones around him, "Look at that. If you toss a human enough bones, they learn a new trick. But let me ask you something…" He squinted his sockets merrily. "Why so blue?"

"Huh?" blinked Hans as a blue light enveloped him. Sans outstretched his finger bones and the wave of attacks came at the boy again. Hans gritted his teeth and leapt. But as he moved, he felt the blue light pulling against him, making him slow and heavy as the bones pierced him and knocked him to the forest floor.

The thick fur slippers and ankle bones passed into Hans' vision. "You know," Sans stated, leaning over him, "I wonder if you realize…that you're already dead?" Hans' eyes widened and drifted down to the shattered heart on his chest. "A soul that is broken can't endure after death. Monsters lack something that humans have. Our bodies and souls fall apart. So we break human souls…and they fall apart too. Only seems fair."

"So…the soldiers that died…"

"Gone forever," Sans shrugged. He lifted his hand into the air and formed more bones. "I wonder…" Hans hiccupped blood as Sans drove the bones down into him on top of the rest. The skeleton watched as the red shards of Hans' soul popped into smaller pieces. "What kind of fate awaits someone with a soul as broke as yours?" He shrugged again. "Not that I care enough to think too hard on it. Still. You must be some kind of freak to endure so much pain."

The sight of his own blood dripping down the bones filled Hans with determination. He gripped them and started to push up. "It hurts…" he whispered, "More than anything you can do. This feeling…like I'm about to burst. It hurts…" He pushed himself off the bones and picked up Abelard's sword. "I don't care if I'm dead. I just want you to know that even at the best of times…your jokes were never funny."

"It's called a bad joke, kid," Sans winked, relaxing with his hands in his pockets, "And they're the best kind. Like humans. Hilarious. Like this one…what's blue and above you?"

"That's easy," Hans answered, "The sky."

"Nope." Sans threw up his arm and the blue light around Hans chucked him upwards, impaling him on a bunch of femurs that glowed like him. "Blue bones," the grinning skeleton giggled.

Hans slid down the bones and flopped onto the forest floor like a wet piece of meat. Sans laughed, but only shortly as Hans got up again. The boy stabbed the sword into the ground as he pushed himself to his feet. "Stop laughing," he ordered, the floating pieces of his soul coming together again, "This is the last thing I'll ever do. So I'm gonna make you see…that none of this is funny." He glared through his bangs and charged. "And you won't be laughing anymore!"

He thrust the sword, but the blue light pulled back against him, stopping the point just at Sans' jaw. The monster grinned and put his bone finger to the tip of the sword, lowering it slowly. Hans shook with strain in the blue magic. "Is that so? But kid…" His sockets emptied. "I'm not even trying yet."

He sent Hans flying backward with a thrust of his hand, impaling him on a row of bones. But this time, Hans didn't even have to free himself. Sans swept his arm again and again, impaling him over and over or simply slamming him against the tree trunks. He slammed him against the forest floor and sent a symphony of white and blue bones at him. Hans lost track of how many times his soul split apart.

A wall of blue bones came at him and he stood still, knowing there was nothing he could do. It passed right through him like a ghost. Sans clapped twice. "Good human," he praised, "Now fetch." More bones. So many wounds even his body started falling apart. Bones shot through him and his left arm fell clean off. "Need a _hand_?" Sans laughed. But he fell silent as the pull of Hans' soul put the arm back in place. Sans' eye sockets narrowed. "Now kid. That _is_ a bad joke."

Hans stared at his left hand with amazement and tightened his hand into a fist. "You can't win," he both realized and declared, "Because no matter what you do, I'm not going to stop." He placed the hand back on the sword and lifted it up. "There isn't even a piece of me that will quit!"

"Sure," Sans shrugged. His sockets emptied. "But what if there's no piece of you left?" Strangely, Hans didn't feel afraid, even as the skeleton resumed his relaxed stance. "See, I got you figured out, kid. You've got some kind of Endurance STAT, don't you? Don't know how you got it so high without any EXP. Either way, I finally know how to kill you." He snapped his bone fingers and a dozen leering dragon skulls appeared floating over either shoulder, their eyes glowing intensely. "Overwhelm the STAT. It's been fun, kid."

The air crackled as hundreds of bones formed, so many it blocked out the sight of the trees. Hans grunted and his brow lowered. Sans gave a little laugh before thrusting his hand forward. The entire forest exploded with white light as power poured from the dragons' mouths and the bones rained down like hailstones. The skeleton threw up both arms and more bones filled the air and fell, the dragon skulls rotating and blasting without restraint. The nearby trees dissolved as the last of the attacks unleashed. All that was left was a new clearing in the woods and a pile of ash with a sword stuck in it.

Sans stared at the pile and, knowing he was at last alone, let out a deep sigh. A droplet of sweat ran down the side of his skull and his sockets pinched wearily. "Finally," he mumbled, "That was actually…really lame."

 _Thump-dump. Thump-dump_. Sans' eyes snapped open wide as red, glowing powder rose from the ashes and formed a throbbing heart. The broken heart throbbed louder and louder until it summoned all the ash to it. The bits were drawn together, like a sand castle falling in reverse till in all clumped together in the shape of a human boy. Sans threw up an arm to shield his eyes as there was a flash of light.

"It…hurts." Hans' leather glove seized the hilt of the sword. "Skeleton…do you know what it's like…to really hurt?"

Sans didn't answer. He stood there with his eyes shut, his bleached white hands rattling in his pockets. "Hey, kid." His sockets opened with a terrible flash of his blue eye. "How about you just die?"

A wall of leering dragon skulls surrounded Hans on all sides. The boy looked ahead like he didn't even see them and started forward. He took one step and bolted directly ahead. The dragons opened their mouths. His body dissolved and reformed like passing waves, his crumbling foot pushing off the earth and driving him forward without slowing. Sans stuck him with bones, repeatedly reduced him to ash, and slammed him into a crater with his blue grip. Holding him down against the ground with the blue force, Sans stuck every inch of him with bones and summoned every dragon skull he could, blasting the crater into a deep hole.

Sans breathed heavily, several sweat droplets sliding down his white cranium as Hans soul dragged his ashes up the side of the pit and reformed him as he climbed. Sans glowing white pupils followed the boy until he had climbed all the way out and stood before him.

"You…" the skeleton panted, "You're very determined…aren't you?" He watched Hans raise his sword. "Say…we've been here for a while…haven't we?" He winked. "I think I've worked myself to the _bone_. What do you say…we call it a day?"

Hans looked at him through his bangs. "…What are you saying?"

"I'm saying…" His glowing pupils shifted to the side thoughtfully. He held out his hands. "Congratulations, kid. You get to live. I'm gonna head home and…" He gave a heavy sigh, walking away. "Take a nap."

He heard Hans' footsteps behind him and stopped. "What makes you think you get to leave?"

Sans shrugged and stuck his hands back in his pockets. "Eh. What can I say? Even I can have too much fun."

Hans' lips rose into a little smile. "I don't think you're having fun."

Sans' grin grew small as Hans charged at him, the skeleton ducking a sword swipe. "Kid," he grunted, ducking a second strike, "You won. You can stop now."

"I haven't," Hans countered, digging his foot in and swiping again, "I won't quit till you've been stopped. Till _all_ people like you have been stopped."

Sans laughed a little. "You serious, kid? You can't do something like that. You're just some human. A broken one at that." He winced as he ducked again and shoved Hans back with his blue magic. "Okay. That's enough. You go do whatever it is humans do. I'm out." As soon as the blue light released him, Hans started after him again. Sans glanced over his shoulder, saw the charging human and – despite himself – started running. He puffed through his teeth, his clothes vibrating in the breeze. "Kid! Cut it out!" He turned over his shoulder and threw up a wall of bones. Hans leapt over it and kept running. "Quit!"

Sans soon recalled that with his little legs, he couldn't run very fast. The boy gained on him. Tightening his grin, he threw more back at the kid in an effort to slow him down. Hans leapt and weaved through the attacks, steadier than ever now as he pursued the skeleton. Sans sensed him gaining again and sweat ran down his face. Hans sprinted forward, the tip of his sword poking Sans' rear.

"Whoa!" Sans cried, leaping into the air and clutching his butt. He narrowed his eyes and turned, throwing a volley of bones fiercely back. "Get lost!" Hans took three bones to the chest but barely slowed. Sans panted louder and suddenly they were running through a farmer's field. Despite his surprise, Hans didn't slow, even when the barley turned to a river and they were leaping across stones or the next moment when they were charging through the near blackness of a mine. Sans hopped into a mine cart and Hans hopped into one right behind him.

They careened along until Hans got close enough to stab again. The strike glanced off a tree as they were back in the woods. "Come on," Sans cringed as he ducked back and forth from him around a tree trunk, "Isn't there something you'd rather be doing?"

"I'm dead, remember?" Hans glared.

"Yeah…" Sans' eyes shifted, "But uh…" He winked. "That hasn't stopped you so far, right?" He squatted with a wince as the sword planted in the wood just an inch above his skull.

With no other options, he started running again. The trees flew by them as Hans chased the skeleton, suddenly becoming a yard filled with chickens. Both of them were forced to shield their faces as feathers went everywhere. And then they were in a tavern. A monster tavern, apparently, as a myriad of fish-like people, lizards, blobs, and oddities all screamed as Sans got up on a table and started chucking bottles at the human. Hans sheepishly apologized as he wormed his way through the fleeing monsters, Sans finding one of the bottles still half full and downing it. Hans threw a chair at him and knocked him off the table.

"Come on!" Sans complained as he hit the floor.

And then with no explanation, they were back in the forest again. Sans stumbled and just ran. Hans could feel himself catching on up on his prey with a sudden certainty that his next blow would land and that would be it. The terrible skeleton would crumble into dust and never hurt anyone again. But as they ran through the woods together, they passed by a pile of ash with a very familiar knife lying next to it. The glint of the blade caught Hans' eye and the sword in his hands grew heavy.

"No," Hans whispered, "There's another way."

Sans tripped again and glanced over his shoulder in time to see Abelard's sword fall from Hans' hands and the boy leap through the air. His youthful arms wrapped around Sans' ribs from behind and they tumbled through the dirty underbrush together. Both child and skeleton yipped and grunted as they bounced over tree roots, coming to a stop with Hans full weight planted on Sans' pelvis. Sans struggled as the boy grappled with him, summoning bones to pierce his back. But Sans was weak and Hans strong by a life spent working the land. He shoved both of Sans' arms over his head with one hand and with the other drew his dagger.

Sans sockets widened. "…Oh…"

 **AUTHOR NOTE**

The next chapter will be the last one. To my DBZ fans, I've been working on the next chapter of AGM as well. It's gonna be a super awesome one! In the mean time, I really look forward to your feedback on the latest in Funny Bone.


	3. Funny Bone - 3

The dagger came down and drove right between the wrist bones of either arm, pinning them to the ground. Sweat ran heavily from his bone brow as his sockets slowly opened, blinking with disbelief. "Umm…" His slippers kicked as he tried to move. "Kid…?"

Hans gave a small smile. "There…" he sighed with relief. His hand came up and gripped the light of his shattered heart. "You know…I was wrong. It doesn't hurt so bad after all." He flopped over on Sans' chest.

The skeleton blinked. "Uh…kid?"

"Yeah, skeleton?"

"You uh…" He tried to move again, but the peasant child's healthy weight held him down. "What are you doing?"

"Resting." He pulled off his leather helmet and let it roll away. "You were right. It's been a long day."

Sans glowing pupil shifted around several times. "But uh…you…uh…"

"I can't kill you." He rested his head on Sans' collarbone. "If I did, I'd be like you and everyone else in this war. That'd be wrong. And I'd be no better than you or Dirk." Sans stared at him. "Or…or even Abelard. I can't fight. So I choose to act."

"What?" Sans flatly asked, "You gonna torture me, kid? Hand me over to the humans?"

Hans lifted his chin and smiled softly. "No." Sans shut one eye and squinted the other uncomfortably as Hans rested his glove atop his skull and brushed it a little bit. "Nobody's going to hurt you. And you're not going to hurt anyone. No, I've decided we're just going to lie here together."

"What?" Sans laughed, "Forever?"

"Yes." The skeleton's smile shrank as the boy's determined eyes fell upon him. "Until the forest buries us under its leaves and swallows us up. And even after we've sank into the ground." Sans sweated. "Of course, you can still hurt me. If you want. But I'll get used to the pain. And you won't be laughing anymore."

Sans squinted at him and then rolled his eyes merrily. "Nah." He winked at him. "Even if you don't fall apart, you'll get _bored_ eventually. You'll leave."

The evening light fell and Sans waited, expecting the exhausted and wounded child to fall asleep – giving him a chance to escape. But his aching bones reminded him he was just as tired and instead he was the one to fall asleep. As he started to snore, Hans realized with wonder that the ribcage he rested upon rose and fell with each sound.

"He breathes…?"

The light faded and the fireflies came out. Sans opened his eyes and discovered one resting on his nose bone. He shook his head to shoo it away, yawning and trying to stretch till he noticed the weight on his pelvis.

He opened one eye. "Oh no."

"Hello, skeleton," greeted Hans, poking at a tiny fire next to them with a stick, "Did you rest well?"

"Kid…" Sans groaned, "Are you for real?"

"I was surprised." He looked at him with sheepish innocence. "I didn't think the undead slept."

Sans rolled his eyes to the side. "There's no such thing as 'undead,' kid. Only dead or alive." He looked at the boy's shattered soul. "Well. Unless counting you."

"Oh," Hans replied with that same innocence, making Sans' eyes narrow. The boy glanced at the fire and gestured with his stick. "Do you get cold too then?"

The skeleton's sockets narrowed further. "Ever heard of 'chilled to the _bone_ '?"

"No," Hans simply answered, "But I'll remember that."

"You do that…" Sans continued to squint over a little, unconvincing grin.

With the fire in good standing, Hans took another rest on Sans' chest. The skeleton watched the boy's face intently, waiting for the moment he'd fall asleep. But horribly, he didn't. Sometimes he'd close his eyes and be very still, but the moment that Sans started to think the boy was unaware the child's eyes would open and look at him intensely.

"Can I ask you something?" Hans asked in one of these moments.

"Sure," Sans shrugged, rolling his eyes to the side, "Why not?"

"When I was chasing you…how did we end up in all those different places?"

Some of the cheer returned to the skeleton's grin. "Let's just say…" He winked. "I'm _very_ good at taking short cuts."

"Must be some short cuts," Hans marveled.

Sans glanced over at the fire, which was simmering into orange coals. "Hey. You uh…you should get some more wood for the fire."

Hans leaned on his palm and stuck his feet in the air, smiling with challenge at Sans. "You mean so you can escape?"

"No. It's just…" He winked again. "I don't want to start _chattering my teeth_."

Hans scrunched up his nose at him. "I'm not stupid, you know." He raised his chin. "I can count all the way to a thousand."

"Oh," Sans shifted his eyes and nodded twice, "Yeah. Genius."

He clenched his teeth as Hans brushed the top of his skull, even more confidently than he had the prior time. "Don't worry, skeleton. I won't let you ever get away, but I won't let anything bad happen to you either. I won't let you get chilled to the bone."

"Please don't say that so seriously," Sans groaned.

Sans continued to wait for Hans to fall asleep. But he didn't. With nothing else to do, Sans nodded off again before the night was over. When he woke, he felt comfortably warm. Daring to open one eye socket, he saw that though the fire had gone out, the boy had made a cocoon with his cloak and Sans' robe, stuffed it with leaves and stretched himself out over the skeleton to warm him with his body heat.

"Come on. Don't you miss your home?" Sans prompted, his sockets wearily pinched, "You know. Other humans?"

"My mum's all that's left of my family," Hans answered, lying flat on the skeleton's chest, "Even I'm gone now. So…there's nothing much to worry about. The village will look after her. Besides…" He looked at him seriously. "Keeping them all safe from you is more important."

Sans' eyes shifted around, thinking quickly. "You know…I have a family too."

Hans sat up. "Really?"

"Yup. Got a little bro."

Hans narrowed his eyes. "What's he like? Is he…like you?"

"I don't know," he shrugged, "He's just a baby."

"A baby?" He leaned forward with concern. "Where is he? Is he with your mum?"

"No mom. Just the bro." Sans blinked a little as Hans leaned in even closer, his soft, boyish face even more concerned. "He's fine," Sans assured, hoping to get him to back off, "I left him at home."

"All alone?" Hans gasped.

"Hey, he's safe," Sans shrugged, "I left him in a sock nailed to the wall."

Hans puckered his lips angrily. "So not only are you a bad person, you're a terrible brother as well."

"Huhuh," Sans chuckled helplessly.

"Why won't you take care of him?"

"I don't know," Sans shrugged, sweating a little again, "He's…kinda boring. Ever since I found him—"

"Found him?"

"Not all monsters are born the same way, kid. Anyhow…all he does is lie there and cry."

Sans winced as Hans gave him a harsh knock on the skull. "He's a baby, dumb-dumb, that's what they do. And they're actually a lot of fun if you make them happy."

"Seriously?" Sans asked, raising his bone brow.

"Yeah," Hans nodded.

"Huh…"

As the morning passed the forest grew warm again, allowing Hans to clean the leaves off them both. As he did, he heard a very distinct sound coming from the skeleton – an easily recognizable one that made him stare at his captive.

"Is that…your…" They blinked at each other. "Do you eat?"

"Yeah?" Sans plainly answered.

"B-but how?" Hans stuttered, "You don't…wait a minute…" He scooted back a bit and pulled up Sans' nightgown, exposing his entire skeletal torso.

"Uh," said Sans, his cheekbones turning suddenly pink, "Hold on, kid. You don't just—WHOAAA!" He kicked and squirmed wildly as the boy innocently began to search up Sans' spine and inside his ribs. "Kid! You don't just—geeeh! No! Stop, that feels so _weird_! Uuuh! _Kid_!"

"But there's nothing there!" Hans protested, pulling his hands back.

Sans panted like he'd just been severely tickled, shutting one eye. " _I'm_ there. You…human. Listen, kid…you don't just stick your hands in a skeleton's bones like that. It's…very rude."

Hans blushed with embarrassment. "Oh…sorry. Though I don't feel too bad. You're a jerk."

"I never stuck my hand inside _you_ ," Sans glared.

"You murdered me and my friends!" Hans glared back.

"It was just a joke."

"It wasn't funny!" He crossed his arms and looked away sadly. "The worst part is…I thought, for just a moment, that you really wanted to be my friend. And I would have gladly been yours."

Sans blinked with surprise, not sure what to say.

"Well," Hans concluded with a sigh, "I guess I have to feed you now." He reached into his belt pouch and pulled out the partially eaten hard biscuit.

"Oh," Sans immediately flushed at the sight, "No, I'm fine." His 'stomach' rumbled again.

Hans looked him over. "How do you even eat? Your mouth doesn't open."

Delighted with the chance to perhaps freak his captor out, Sans' grin grew lively again. "Sure it does." With an audible and ghostly creak, his teeth parted, revealing an impenetrable darkness within. "See?"

"Oh," said Hans and dropped half the biscuit in.

" _Paaaah!_ " Sans gagged and thrashed around, his eyes watering. "Kid! You weren't supposed to do that! You…didn't even let me chew! _Paaaahck!_ Human peasant food! So bad!"

"I know it's kind of dry…" said Hans calmly, "But it's not _that_ bad. Here." He got out his canteen.

Sans froze in horror. "No, kid, wait—!" He gagged and flailed again as Hans dumped the water into his mouth. " _Huuummmh!_ " His eyes watered, snapping his mouth shut. "I can taste the dirt!"

"Dirt?" Hans asked with confusion, shutting an eye to peek inside the canteen.

"I think I'm gonna be sick…"

"Don't be such a ninny," Hans scolded, "It was just well water."

"The worst." He panted and shut one eye. "Kid. You…are the worst. I'm begging ya. Please stop."

"You're such a fop," Hans wrinkled his nose, "How did someone like you ever manage to be scary?"

"Oh but kid…" His sockets opened, empty and dark. "I am." Hans slapped him. "Ow!" Sans complained, his pupils snapping back into existence as he winced.

" _Fop_ ," he emphasized, glaring and putting his canteen away.

"I guess," Sans' eyes shifted, "I'm just…a num _skull_?"

"No."

"Come on…"

The kid took another rest, curled up on top of Sans. This time, Sans didn't watch to see if he would fall asleep. He just watched. He observed carefully and noticed for the first time that the boy was trembling, the air hissing through his teeth as his fingers clutched the glowing, disintegrated heart on his chest.

"You know," Sans pointed out, "That's never going to get better."

"I know."

He hesitated and added, "It really does hurt…doesn't it…?"

"No. It's fine."

"Come on, kid…" Sans coaxed, "Be honest…"

Hans smiled a little. "Because lying's a sin…" His grip on the heart tightened. "It hurts. More than you can imagine."

"Then why don't you let go?" Sans honestly asked. He lifted his head off the ground. "You could kill me. Sure, you'd gain LOVE, but then you wouldn't have to stay that way. You could fall apart. So it wouldn't really matter."

Hans shook his head and tightened his cloak around him.

"Why, kid? I don't get it…why keep holding on…?"

"Because," Hans whispered, "I choose to. Because…I can. And because I can…I must. I don't need any other reason than that."

Sans' eyes shifted to the side for a long moment. His smile lifted. "Hey kid," he nudged him.

"Yeah, skeleton?"

"You say we're gonna be here forever…why don't we play a game?"

"Depends on the game," Hans warned.

"Don't worry, it's a monster classic. You'll love it. The um…good kind of love. No joke. It's called Truth or Dare. Wanna try?"

Hans sat up a little, resting his elbows on Sans' chest. "Is it easy to play?"

"Sure. You go first. You wanna tell me a truth or do a dare?"

"Dare I guess."

"Okay I dare you to…" He grinned. "Release my hands."

Hans snorted. "Pass."

"Okay, but that's one point for me."

"That doesn't seem fair."

"It's the rules, kid," Sans shrugged, "Okay, now my turn. I choose…dare."

"What should I dare you to do?"

"Anything you want, kid. Make it something you don't think I'd do."

"Something you wouldn't do, huh?" Hans scratched at his cheek, thinking. "I…dare you to say something nice about humans."

"Something nice about humans…" Sans giggled. "You're very—"

"And don't say something dumb like we're funny!" Hans cut him off, "Something really nice."

Sans fell silent, his eyes shifting about for a long moment. "…One beat me," he stated, making Hans blink with surprise, "One beat me and he's sitting on me. And there's…nothing I can do about it. And that's really impressive." They were both quiet until Sans winked. "Your turn."

"I…guess truth."

"Hm…what is the most embarrassing thing you've ever done?"

Hans' cheeks flushed. "This is a mean game."

"Come on," Sans teased, "You don't want me to win another point, do you?"

"…I had to be rescued by my mother from a pig…"

"A pig?" Sans giggled, "You mean those chubby pink things?"

"I don't like them, okay?!" said Hans, turning redder, "They scare me. They're loud and their noses are weird…"

"Don't worry, kid," he winked, "I won't tell. Now for my turn…I choose…dare."

"Okay. I dare you to…frown!"

"Eh…pass."

"What?" Hans poked at him curiously, "Can't you frown?"

"I can but it'd take too much effort…I'd rather keep smiling."

"So I get a point?"

"Yep. Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Eat dirt."

Hans looked the closest that Sans had ever seen him to being amused. "What? Eat dirt?"

"Yep. I dare you to grab a handful and shove it in your mouth."

Hans gave him a smug look. "Okay, skeleton." He dug his fingers around the forest floor next to them, got a clod in his fingers, and popped it into his mouth.

"Oh man," Sans laughed as Hans choked and coughed as he swallowed.

"Hey, you aren't supposed to be laughing, remember?" Hans reminded, hiding a smile.

"But that was such a _gag_."

Hans gave a little snort and shook his head. "Okay. Truth or dare?"

Sans cracked his stiff joints and sighed thoughtfully. "I think I'll go truth this time."

The corner of Hans' mouth twitched. "Have you ever…tried to be a good person?"

Sans blinked. "Come again?"

"Have you ever even thought about it?" Hans rested his chin on Sans' chest and looked about searchingly. "About…not hurting people? About making people laugh instead of just laughing at them?"

"Sounds like a lot of work."

"So no?"

"Can't say I have. I just do whatever feels good."

"I think you could." He met the skeleton's ethereal eyes. "I think anyone can be a good person if they just try."

Sans' smile slowly fell. "Truth or dare, kid."

"Truth."

"…Is there any way you'd let me go?"

Hans was silent for a long moment. "…You'd have to make a promise." He gripped the quivering heart on his chest. "A promise…with the same value as your soul."

Sans sighed. "Sorry, kid. I don't do promises."

"…Then no."

"Dare."

"I dare you to make me a promise."

Sans closed his eyes. "Pass."

Hans closed his. "Does this mean I win?"

"Yeah, kid. You win."

The next day it rained. Hans cocooned them again with his cloak, but with no dry leaves to help hold in the heat the boy was left shivering on Sans' chest. Sans let his head fall back so that the rain droplets trickled onto his skull, sliding over his white-washed bones as he watched it fall. He looked down at the trembling boy, feeling his warmth on his small frame and seeing the faint glow of his red soul.

"Truth," he suddenly said.

"I don't want to play right now," Hans whispered back.

Sans watched the rain drip through the trees. "…I've had a really bad time." Hans' head poked out from under the cloak, the rain drops hitting his messy hair. "And you were right…it's not funny. It's not funny at all."

Hans retreated back under the cloak. "Truth. Every single day of this war I've been scared. Until I met you."

The rain fell harder. Sans slipped his head under the cloak as well. He was soon confronted by the feeling of Hans' breath and all his earthy smells. He watched him for a long time in silence, listening to the rain patter across the treated fabric. "Hey, kid. If I ever did make a promise, what kind of promise would it be?"

"One made to a friend," Hans answered, "A promise to always try to be good. Just try…because nobody's perfect. We all have days when we fail to be kind. And sometimes, you're forced to do things without knowing if they're right. What matters…is if you just try."

"A promise made to a friend, huh? Can't say I like promises…they're too much effort to keep. But a promise to a friend…a special promise like that…I think I could do that."

"There'd be one more thing." Hans gripped the soft fabric of Sans' robe. "It'd also be a promise…to stop people like you…people with eyes that burn with the need to hurt. If you ever meet someone like that…please…do whatever it takes to stop them. Even if it means…risking your soul."

Sans sighed. "Sounds like a pain." His smile lifted and he nodded. "But okay. I'll do it."

"You promise?"

"Cross my bones and hope to cry," Sans winked. His eyes shifted. "And I think…I'll quit the war too. I never cared about it anyhow. And besides…it'll be over soon. At the rate things are going, monsters are gonna lose for sure." The two locked eyes as a blue light swirled in Sans' left eye socket. "But I tell ya what, kid…I ain't gonna promise never to hurt a human again. What can I say? I wasn't kidding ya when I said I was _heartless_."

Hans gently reached up and cupped his hand over the glowing eye. "It's okay," he whispered, "Skeleton…I'll be your heart for you." Though the rain continued to fall in occasional droplets, the sun broke through the trees as Hans pushed his cloak from his head. He gripped the dagger's hilt with both hands and gritted his teeth as he pulled it up from the ground and let it fall aside.

Sans sat up and rubbed at his wrists. "Thanks, kid." The skeleton started with surprise as Hans abruptly hugged him, collapsing against his chest. Sans looked down at him and – with hesitation – wrapped his bone arms around him. "Human…you really are the worst. But I guess…I wish I'd shaken your hand. We could have had a good time." Hans didn't answer. "Kid?" He looked down to see Hans' soul begin to dissolve. "Oh. Rest well, kid."

After all he'd endured, it was no wonder Hans' body turned to dust, just like monsters' do. Sans dug a small hole and buried them, just like monsters had long done for those close to them. When marking the grave with some bones, the funny thought occurred to him that he had never learned the boy's name. And when he tried to think of something amusing to inscribe as the epitaph – something deserving of the kid – he couldn't think of a single thing. So, he wrote only what he could.

And then he was home. The little house in the woods was just as he'd left it – a total wreck. Garbage littered the place like ornaments and nothing was in any particular place. Inside was the characteristic howling he'd left some time ago to get away from. Sans drew a breath, immediately regretted his future efforts.

Sans opened the door. "Hey baby bones…how's it _hanging_?"

"NYYYAAAAA!" came the scream from the stocking on his wall, half of which had been devoured by the baby skeleton inside.

Sans winced a little and put his hands in his pockets. "I see you ate my sock again. I guess you're a real _ankle biter_ , aren't you?"

"NYYAAA! NEH! NEEEEEH!" the baby skeleton angrily flailed.

"Come on, bro…do you _have_ to scream all the time?"

"NEH!" he cried and clocked Sans right between the eyes with a tiny bone.

"Ow," Sans shut one eye. He picked up the tiny bone. "Huh…summoning already? That's…actually really cool. Anyhow…here goes nothing." The baby suddenly stopped crying as Sans lifted him out the sock and sat him on the floor. The baby blinked and stared at him with his big, empty sockets. "Okay…now what would make baby bones happy?"

"NYAAAH!" the baby screamed, waving his arms around.

"Ugh…" Sans half shut his eyes, "I'd rather just take a nap. But okay. Here goes."

He got to work, which was a really strange feeling. The first thing he did was make some porridge over a fire. He kept nodding off while making it, but his baby brother's screams woke him up enough times that it didn't overcook. When he sat the finished bowl in front of him, Sans thought he could take a break. But instead of eating it, the baby started lobbing fistfuls at him with expert aim. So Sans did the only natural thing. He grabbed a fistful of it and lobbed it right back. The baby's jaw dropped as the porridge splattered across its skull.

"Neh…nehehehehehehehehehe!" the baby skeleton laughed.

Sans blushed. "Wow…I've never heard you laugh before." He grabbed another handful of porridge and hit his little brother with it again. The baby laughed louder and threw a glob back. "Huhuhuhuhuh!" Sans laughed as he was covered with sticky goop and returned fire.

It was only after they had thoroughly exhausted the porridge in a food fight that the baby decided to eat the last little bit stuck to his hands. Intrigued and amused by this turn of events, Sans decided to loose a little more effort on his brother. While the baby played patty-cake in a puddle of porridge, Sans searched the refuse pile he called his belongings for something for his brother to wear. Eventually he came across a baby doll in a little pink dress and decided that would do just fine.

Dressed in the frilly pink outfit and a little white bonnet, the baby blinked up as his brother admired his handiwork. "Huh. Would you look at that?" Sans grinned, "I think my bro might be the best looking baby I ever saw." He felt around his pocket for a moment and nodded. "Okay…I guess you need a name now, don't you? How about…Billy Bones?"

"NYAAAAH!" the once content baby suddenly started screaming again.

"Whoa, okay," Sans held up his hands, "Then how about Skellton?"

"NYAAAAH!"

"Ribly? Hipster? Knuckles?"

"NYA! NEEEH! NYAAAA!"

Sans continued to rattle of what he thought would be great skeleton names, but the more he came up with the angrier the baby got. Finally, he got sick of trying to be creative and grabbed a random book off his shelf.

"Okay, bro, last chance," he warned, "Either your name is Shin or I'm just gonna name you whatever word I put my finger bone on."

"NEEEEYYAAA!"

"Okay, bro. You asked for it." He flipped to a random page in the book and put his finger down. "I hope you get something dumb like Smelly." He looked where his fingers landed and blinked. "Let's see…Papyrus?"

The baby stopped crying and started chewing on his fingers.

"Papyrus, huh?" Sans cocked his boney brow. "You'd rather be named after some reed than be called Eddy Knees?"

The baby picked up the rattle Sans had provided him and started shaking it around wildly, as if in celebration.

"Okay then," said Sans, shutting the book, "Papyrus it is."

"Nehehehehehehe!" Papyrus laughed, biting the rattle.

Sans filled a crate with random soft things and put Papyrus to bed it in. For the first time since he had brought his baby brother home, the house was quiet and he could relax. Sans stood outside and looked up at the green forest overhead. Feeling in his pocket, he at last brought out the glowing blue shards of Hans' soul, balancing them in his hand. He looked at them for a long time, feeling the rays of sunlight on his skull. He weighed the shards in his palm and at last shrugged, closing his fist around them. His hand reopened like a flower and the red heart flashed into existence.

 **(**Scene Break**)**

"Sans? Sans?! Are you paying attention?" Papyrus crossed his arms and looked at his brother expectantly. "Come on! You must tell me at once!"

"Sorry, bro," Sans shrugged and leaned back on the couch, "What was it you asked again?"

"Saaaans," Papyrus complained, "I asked you to describe to me what humans are like!"

He put his hands behind his head, looking up. "What humans are like, huh?" He thought for a long moment on his reply. In the end, the only proper response he could think of was what he had written so long ago on that grave. "What can I say?"

 _Here lies a Human_ …

"There's…"

 _Not a funny bone in their body._

Sans winked and Papyrus glared at him. The next moment, the door to the house at the end of the lane opened and Sans was pushed grinning out. Papyrus raised a finger. "And don't come back until you've learned the esteemed seriousness of guarding against humans."

"Worth it," Sans shrugged. Putting up his hood to shield against the heavy snowfall, he headed out into the woods next to Snowdin to perform a sentry round as his little brother had ordered.

The thick sheets of snow made the woods an even darker place than it normally was. The air still and quiet, Sans walked under the shadow of the trees, his slippers sinking into the snow and leaving deep footprints behind. As he traversed the darkness, he had the sudden inkling that he was being followed. He stopped and put out his hand, catching the snow in his palm. The presence moved closer and closer behind him till he could feel it pressed up behind him.

"Hey, kid. I had a feeling you were hiding out here nowadays." He put his hands into his pockets and turned around to face the vibrant, glowing red soul. "Reminds you of old times, doesn't it?" The heart shimmered and the ghostly visage of a human boy formed around it. "Not that we had much of times." The ghost stepped closer. "There's a bar back in town called Grillby's. Fun place. You'd love it. I'd take you there but…you know." Hans smiled warmly and slipped his transparent fingers through and around Sans' skeletal hand. The human soul tipped his head to the side and nodded. "Okay." They walked together through the snow.

"Have you peeked in on Papyrus lately? He's the coolest these days. Crazy about humans and joining the Royal Guard. His STAT.s are pretty impressive too. He might even be a Boss Monster. Really, kid. He's the best." The ghost nodded appreciatively, his red heart glowing brightly. "Best part? Not a drop of LOVE in him. Sense of humor could be better. But at least he's funnier than you ever were." Hans wrinkled his nose. "You know, sometimes? I've been tempted to let him meet you. I know how happy it would make him. But he's no good at keeping secrets."

Sans stopped walking, his grin lowering a little. "It was smart of you to hide. If Asgore ever found out about you…well. You know what would happen." He looked up, watching the snow as it fell on his face. "Not that I would let anything happen to you. You and Papyrus…are the only things worth caring about. You know? Course…that would make me a traitor." He laughed. "Man. What a pain that would be."

Hans drifted away and sat his ethereal form on a log, patting next to him. "Oh? You really must want to talk." He sat down next to the soul. "…We could leave here if we really wanted, you know." He reached out and cradled the red heart. "I could absorb you and we could pass through the barrier together." He leaned on his palm, resting his elbow on his knee. "But I don't really care about getting back to the surface. Besides. We couldn't take Papyrus with us. And that's no good."

Hans weightlessly rested against Sans' shoulder. "Hey, kid. I've forgotten something, haven't I? Something important. I get that feeling every time we're together." Sans looked at the soul and saw Hans looking back at him sadly. The ghost nodded. "I see. But I also get the feeling that you've been helping me to remember…or at least remember that I used to remember." Hans nodded again, looking sympathetic and a little helpless. "You're the best, kid. Or is Papyrus the best? Hard to decide." Hans smiled and his shoulders bobbed a little. "Was that a laugh? I'm flattered. Though, I wish you'd save them for my actual jokes."

Sans stood up. "Anyhow. You know I love passing the time with you, kid. But Papyrus won't let me back in the house if I don't finish a round. And it's a little too cold to sleep outside." He headed out onto the path. Hans rushed out in front of him and spread his arms, blocking the way. "Kid? What gives?" Hans gave him a serious look and shook his head. "Oh I get it…" His grin rose and his eye sockets turned dark. "You're worried I'll run into a human out here. Right? Don't you know…that's the whole point?"

Hans glared as Sans chuckled, the skeleton rolling his eyes and shrugging. "What? Did you think we moved all the way out here just for Papyrus's training? Rumor is…humans fall down here sometimes. And when they do, they always show up in this forest before anywhere else." Hans folded his arms and glared harder. "Huhuhuh. You know, back when I fixed your soul for you…I always thought you'd return to your village. But no. You stayed with me instead. Truth is…you never did trust me to keep my promise. Did you?" He winked. "Don't worry, kid. I wouldn't have trusted me either."

The ghost leaned right into his face and narrowed his eyes. "Hey, easy, kid," Sans sweated, holding up his hands, "What's with that face? With a look like that, I half expect you to form a body and sit on me again. Heh. Knowing you, you probably would if I ever went off the reservation." Hans leaned back, cocked a brow, and tapped his foot. Sans sighed. "Look, kid. Like I said…there's only two things I've ever cared about. You…and Papyrus." He shrugged. "King needs one more soul. It ain't gonna be you, kid. And Papyrus…he wants to see the surface. Makes perfect sense to me."

Hans shook his head and turned away, arms still folded. "Heh. You didn't come here just to hide. Did you?" The ghost peeked back at him over his shoulder. "You're hoping to share your determination with them. Yep. I know you, kid. But it won't take. It didn't take with the King's kid…did it?" The soul looked down sadly. "I know what it's really about. You and me. The King's kids. Why you stay in the Underground. Truth is…you just want monsters and humans to be friends. But it ain't gonna happen, kid." Hans' brow tightened and he looked away stubbornly. "Heh. You just don't know when to quit. Oh well." He reached out his hand and the apparition was dispelled as Hans' soul turned blue and was yanked into Sans' palm. "Come on. One little round ain't gonna hurt."

The heart turned red again as he wrapped his arms around it and held the soul gently against his chest. The deeper into the forest they went, the darker it got. It remained a peaceful walk until Hans' soul suddenly leapt out of his arms. Sans was relieved to see that when the boy's ghost formed around the heart he didn't look angry anymore. Instead, the phantom eagerly beckoned him in a new direction.

"Now what are you up to?" Sans chuckled. Hans gave him a smug smile and indicated the alternative path once more. "Okay. I'm coming."

The path led to the darkest part of the woods where the snow was still and the air filled with shadows. Every once in a while, Hans wrapped his transparent hands around Sans' arm and hastened him on with a smile. Eventually, they arrived at the heart of the woods. Hans wrapped a ghostly arm around Sans from behind and pointed straight ahead.

Sans blinked at what he saw. "A door?" Hans nodded. Sans followed the human soul up to the strange door – an ancient looking thing of monster design, carved and weathered. Hans leaned against the stone wall and looked at Sans with a little smile. Sans touched the door. "Huh. Interesting. Good find, kid." He ran his bone fingers over the engraved surface. "Hey, kid." He winked and knocked on it. "Knock knock." Hans smiled and rolled his eyes. "Oh, right. Okay, I'll say it for you. 'Who's there?' Human. 'Human who?' Who-man are you? Huhuhuhuh!"

Hans pressed his ethereal hand to Sans' chest, as if reminding him of something, and winked. "Hey…did you like that? Okay, here's another one." He knocked on the door. "'Who's there?' Boo. 'Boo who?' It's okay, don't cry! It's just a knock-knock joke! Huhuhuhuh!" Hans smiled more – warm, bright, and full of hope. "Seriously? You actually like this? Well good news, kid, I got plenty more."

Once again, he knocked on the door.

 **AUTHOR NOTE**

By far, this is has been my least popular fan fiction I've ever published. But despite that, I had fantastic fun with it. I hope the few of you who choose to read it did as well. The next chapter of Dragon Ball Z: A Good Man is nearly complete, so that story will be continued soon.

For more information on future updates, please google SwanofWar and follow me on tumblr or twitter :)


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